It's My Birthday!

And, below is my favorite blog I have ever written, which first appeared on Myspace, and now ends up here, I believe, for the second time. It is the only thing I have ever posted on a blog that purposely imitates Hunter T!





My Review of Angels and Airwaves

I had previously promised my dear friend MIKE that I would write a review of the new and first Angels and Airwaves album. I had not purchased it myself but acquiring the CD was easy. I had a friend of mine burn me a copy that he had burned from another acquaintance who had stolen it from the Borders in Mission Valley. With the CD in hand and with a sick day off of work I sat to listen. I hit play, heard the first magical sounds and three hours later awoke on the kitchen floor in a pool of my own sweat and drool. The CD was skipping and all I could hear was Tom’s voice repeating over and over, “Ogathractseadnelad! Ogathractseadnelad! Ogathractseadnelad!” It sounded like he was speaking Latin backwards and I had only heard that one other time in my life.

Obviously I would need to give this another try. I loaded a needle with pure adrenalin and shot it directly into my heart. Nothing could make me sleep now. I leaned over, hit play and that is when the confusion began.

I will try to recall the events as they happened-

Heart thumping. The adrenaline hit my brain. The music wound around me like the arms of a Caterpillar. Not the bug. Like a giant fucking Caterpillar wrecking ball. My heart was racing ahead of the music. “Syncopation Tom!” I yelled. I began beating my chest with my arms like a chimpanzee. “Syncopation! Syncopation! Syncopation!” I fled the kitchen into the living room. The mail had just arrived. The only thing I had received was a political flyer announcing that Ron Roberts was running for County Supervisor. Suddenly everything made sense. The NSA was collecting a list of every phone call made in this country. Bush and his Nazi regime were detonating Nukes in the Nevada desert. Meanwhile, future voters were skipping out on the poles in the attempt to get their naïve, ignorant little paws on this CD, or the bands concert ticket. At some point every musician and record producer and label exec had decided it was okay if the government slapped ‘Explicit Lyrics’ warning label on their packaging. What was next? Book burnings? Public hangings? How did I know by simply having this CD here in its illegally duplicated form did not warrant me a death sentence?

“Zappa!” I screamed. “We need you! WE NEED YOU! ZAPPA! ZAPPA! ZAPPA!” I began dancing around the living knocking things over. Quickly I ran into the bedroom and grabbed my wooden mallet I use for home defense. First I smashed the television, because THEY can see you from inside there. Then I smashed my computer and all the lightbulbs in the house. Finally, with great pride and acknowledgement of my actions, I smashed my stereo and all my CD’s and all my records (except Doc Watson, I took him with me). And then I fled…..

I am writing this now from the main branch of the San Diego Library downtown where I have taken refuge. I have burned my driver’s license, thrown out all forms of identity except my library card. I am invisible. No one will ever be able to find me. I am going to take a bus out of town and find Dan Auerbach and hand him my Doc Watson record and say, “Because you understand.”

Peace out! It's all for fun!